Thursday, September 2, 2010

Bieber Fever

Tuesday I had to travel from the West Side of 34th Street to the East Side. I'm pretty sure that my journey was the longest pilgrimage of Herald Square. ever.
I tripped over girls clutching photos, signs, their best friends and the last shards of sanity. The crowds surged around me. I reached for my phone. This is a peek at my text log from that confusing late afternoon.

This is from the Duchess:
Me: I think it is highly likely that Justin Bieber is somewhere close to Macys.
Her: he has a concert at Madison sq garden tonight... what?
Me: MSG on a Tuesday? Lame. If I have to see another girl's tears ruining her I Heart Justin Bieber face paint, there is going to be an issue.
Her: don't be jealous, Amber :)
Me: I'm like baby, baby NO!!!

This is from the man in my life:
Me: I think it is highly likely that Justin Bieber is somewhere close to Macys.
Him: Who?
Me: You know that kid that we saw on the Today Show?
Him: With the comb-over?! OH SHEESH.

In case you need a visual:

* I swiped this from
(hopefully you're still with us and haven't fainted clean away at this "sexy, hottest boy ever!" That's a direct quote AND word on the street, literally.)

My dad calls this kid 'Justin Beaver'.
I trip-troped over variations of the girls in the photos above. I was surprised at the amount of puff paint they were fronting. I'm happy that this at least brings out a bit of creativity. I wish I would have had the guts to whip out the big lens' on the crowd. I was sure that everything I'd heard about this kid's following was propaganda-y. If I hadn't seen the havoc that was reaped on Fashion Avenue with my own eyes I wouldn't have believed it. I almost feel like I failed society by not further documenting it.

Here are my choicest take-aways:

A little girl wailing. Massive tears fall down her cheeks. She is about eight and her father has to carry her because she doesn't have the strength to walk. Her face says I heart JB 4-Ever. I'm following close behind, lost in a haze, when I hear her huff out 'I'm sorry daddy, I just didn't think I would be this messed up!"

A second gradery looking girl is sporting matching Justin Bieber outfits...with her American Girl Doll- this is wrong on every level. At the corner of 34th and 8th she screams "OH MY GAWD! DO YOU THINK HE WILL WEAR A HAT?!!" Before her sister can respond she screams "THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!"

A girl in a stroller sporting a tutu and a face t-shirt. She's smeared with charcoal. It's on her hands and face and running in streaks down her arms. Why? She's clutching a portrait of Justin Bieber, you know the kind they sell on the street in Times Square? It was originally done in chalk and she couldn't help but love it just a bit too much. I'm pretty sure that she wanted Justin Bieber to be a member of her family.

--Seriously, you can't make this stuff up. I pass baby after baby, tween after tween. I am shocked at the sheer numbers of a seemingly never ending block of girls. If I were to scream 'JUSTIN BIEBER SUCKS' it's a sure bet I'd be beaten to death by cardboard cut-out signs that beg for marriage proposals in magazine letters and sharpie markers. My last words would only be heard by a crowd who'd mob me first and ask questions later....

Not that I am not tempted. I mean, it would be quite the way to go.

Finally I feel the crowd is behind me. I'm doing better. No more signs. No more 'FUTRE MRS. Bieber' T-shirts. ( If you're too young and haven't learned how to spell 'future' yet, we don't hold this against you.) My heart rate starts to return to normal.

I run into a boy. He's about 20 and hipstered out.
"Um. Excuse me?" he asks.

I'm still stunned from my pilgrimage. I'm scared to slow down. Looking behind me, I see that I'm almost alone. I refrain from falling and kissing the East side of Manhattan. I meet the gray-blue eyes of the enquirer.

"Shoot," I say.
As he looks me in the face I feel the bullet pierce my heart, because of course he asks,
"Can you give me directions to Madison Square Garden?"

It's official it's an epidemic
This video was taken right outside the house of school-night hysteria:
The good news is that if they can get this riled up about a pre-teen they can go absolutely nuts for Amber Ink. right? Right?

Thoughts? Insights? Confessions?


TannyP said...

Oh my goodness, Amber...that's the funniest! I just don't get it, but maybe it's because I don't have "Beaver Fever?!" as my husband asked about (I guess he's with your dad!)
I absolutely howled at your husband's comb-over comment!
(Oh - and I don't know if it's just me, but none of the images work for me, so it's good that your story was hilarious =) )

Karin said...

The Dad-ism is a classic!

Thanh Vo said...

Ughhh I'm ready for his 15 minutes of fame to be up already but I get the feeling that he's going to stick around. Sigh...